Last night, I said some things. Well, my EGO said some things. My pride and my braggadocio said some things. And about an hour later, I had that facepalm moment. “Oh dear GOD, why did I say all of that!?”
After some journaling and prayer and meditation, God did show me why I said all of that. My perfection bludgeoned me, “Come on! Heather, you can do better than that. What’s wrong with you?”
What’s wrong with me? It’s the same thing that’s wrong with all of us. We are all stressed out.
My mind has put the pandemic in this neat little box to open when only necessary. Like when I’m supposed to remain socially distant and wear a mask. My mind has things all neat and orderly, but my emotions? Not so much. There’s a low level of fear resting underneath the ridiculously productive super mom/virtual event producer/home cook/ yoga teacher veneer. This fear, “I’m not going to get what I want “or “I’m going to lose what I have,” begins to drive my words and behavior.
All of us have this current of fear. Some of us are still locked inside our homes, not engaging in the world at all. Are others campaigning for their candidate “We only have two more months! We have to stop Trump/Biden!” and me? Well, I’m letting my big mouth spout off some arrogant bullshit.
What’s worse than the actual sin of pride? The fact that I’m holding on to it. Like that’s helpful, I bet if I went back to the people I spoke to and said, “Yo, I’m sorry I was so boastful yesterday. Can you forgive me?” They may raise an eyebrow and wonder what I was talking about. Then I come along and bring it all up again- like a dope.
How do you let go of resentment towards yourself? I think it has something to do with staying present in the moment. We can’t allow ourselves to get too attached to the last moment. I was on my yoga mat yesterday and opened up in crescent warrior on one side; it was glorious. I transitioned to the other side, not as much glory. I expected the same joyful experience on the other side. And because I didn’t get it, I was disappointed.
Letting go of what was, allows me to flow freely into what is.
We can cruise effortlessly from one exchange to the next IF we let go of each moment as we flow. My stubborn refusal to let go of my imperfections makes me unhappy; it robs me of any joy I have in the current moment. Letting go of what was, allows me to flow freely into what is.
This, my friends, is how you let go of resentment towards yourself. I have to forgive myself and then root out the source of my fear. Once I find the fear, I can take it to the Dude Who Can Do Something about it.
It’s all about connection. When I remain connected to my spirit, the Spirit of the Universe, and the spiritual beings in my community, my fear doesn’t rule me. It’s literally what Jesus talks about when he says to follow Him. If I just drop my nonsense and keep my eye on the Almighty, the fear has less hold. When fear isn’t so prevalent, the ego is in check. When the ego is in check, I don’t act like a fool.
Just for today
I’m going to connect with my higher self, my Higher Power, and a trusted friend. I’m going to notice when fear is creeping in and give it up.
Prayer
God, we are all suffering from the fear of uncertainty. COVID, our jobs, the election, the civil unrest, all the news is terrible. Help us, God, to keep our focus on you. Clear away our fear and help us rest in the certainty of you.
Heather Dellapi 