Vulnerability

The other day I had to have a medical procedure done. I had this same procedure done a couple of years ago, and I remembered it not being a huge deal. I put it on my calendar and planned the rest of my day around it. My husband asked if I wanted him to go with me and I said, “Naw, it’s not that serious, I’ll be fine.”

The day came, and I went through the procedure, I breathed as my yoga teachers taught. My mind was still my body relaxed; I interacted with the doctors and nurses with my charm, made jokes and found commonalities between us. I left the doctor’s office and launched back into my work day. That’s when my body told me in no uncertain terms that it was under stress. Exhaustion took over, my brain sluggish as I tried to communicate with my colleague over the phone. I came home and laid on the couch. I listened to my body. I went to bed early and slept in the next morning. Ok. Done. Right? The procedure, breath, meditation, sleep, rest, done.

Nope. I’m in the middle of a big project at work. My husband is in the middle of several big projects. (My son is singing along beautifully. Thank God!) There’s a big home improvement project that we started (and yours truly has decided to shelf it for the time being). A lot is going on. And my friend Mercia says, “You’re in a very vulnerable position right now.” I am. And here’s what I’m learning. It may be true for you, too.

When I’m in a vulnerable position I unconsciously put up walls. These walls have all kinds of titles:

“I’ve got this.” “It’s not that serious.” “I’m a grown ass woman.”

“You can’t count on people.” “People suck.” “If it’s going to be it’s up to me.”

“I’m fine.”

When those walls come up, I feel safe but lonely. Protected but sad. It manifests in this free-floating depression and moodiness. The bricks of self reliance dampen my joy.

So what’s the solution? To recognize that the depression and moodiness (could be anxiety, worry, stress, fear- whatever your flavor of discord happens to be) as a symptom of the isolation. It’s a sign that the walls have come up. We are healed through connection. We can’t connect with people or with God if we are ensconced behind psychic walls. The only way is to ask for supernatural help. We need connection, and we need comfort. We need to know that we are not alone.

It requires self-awareness to recognize that something is amiss, humility to reach out to a trusted friend, and vulnerability to share. In the sharing, we create a door through which God can enter. In our willingness to allow our higher power to reach in, we begin to experience joy again. A feeling that we are never alone. Self-reliance turns into God-reliance, and we are free once more.

Just for Today

I’m going to practice self awareness when I’m feeling out of whack, I’ll reach out to a trusted friend and talk it over. I’ll listen to their feedback and cultivate some willingness to take whatever action my friend recommends.

Prayer

God, please come in and soften my walls. Help me realize that you are completely trust worthy. I know my pattern has been to only rely on myself and it is just not working anymore. Help me to rely on you fully.