I haven’t written in a while because life threw a big fat curve ball my way. I fell off a horse in the fall and broke both bones in my forearm. Well, I shattered one and broke the other. It happened two hours before my stepson’s wedding. You read that right.
A month later, my son had a mental health crisis that we are still working through. And just when you thought it was safe to come out of hiding, the omicron variant pushed everyone back into the house — virtual school, virtual mental health treatment, and all five of us piled on top of each other again.
I rolled out to a meeting recently, feeling like an exposed nerve, and the lady behind me had the audacity to share that the challenges in her life happened FOR her, not TO her. FML. So this current series of unfortunate events are happening FOR me? Bite me.
If the last five months of unpropitious proceedings are FOR me, then what does that mean? It’s no accident that all of this corresponds to the new year when we traditionally set goals and envision what the next 12 months hold. I have chosen not to set goals but to have a theme. My theme is rest.
I’m learning to slow down.
My kick-ass asana practice has morphed to Nidra. Since I’m powerless over the pain in my physical and psychic body, I’ve amped my mediation and prayer life. There is nothing I can do to make it better. I can’t rush my healing. I can’t rush my son’s healing, and I sure as shit can’t do anything about Covid and its fancy variations.
In this time of healing, accepting, and allowing, I’m working towards resolutely guarding my heart and soul against the world and all of its imperfection. I intend to focus on God and soak up all of the good stuff H/She has for me.
Aunt Ellen told me that there is only God at the end of the day. Toward the end of her life, she spent excessive time in the hospital. She told me that when she was alone and afraid in her hospital room, the only thing she could do was pray. Mercia said the same. It appears that in these dark times, when you’re faced with the utter frailty of your humanity, there’s nothing left to do but go toward the light, just like Carol Ann in the Poltergeist movie.
I’m a do-er. I’m productive. I manage a household and a business and teach yoga on the side. How is it that the message is to rest? It’s counterintuitive for me. But it’s what I’m going to do. God is on my side. He’s my #1 fan. I choose to trust that H/She has my best interests at heart like I have my son’s best interests at heart.
Just for today
Today, I will rest in the deep bone knowledge that God is on my side. And that life isn’t happening to me. But for me.
Show me, God, how to trust you more. Grant me complete healing.