I was lying in savasana and my throat was all tight, tears were threatening to come pouring out of my closed eyes the thought came, “I did this to me. What is wrong with me that I would eat myself into 20 lbs? Don’t I care about myself at all?”
After class I broke down in my car, gut wrenching sobs. I don’t think that I was crying over weight gain. I was crying because I had been so unloving to myself in the pursuit of instant gratification. How heartbreaking to hurt someone you love! Especially when that someone is yourself.
I have tried it all: calorie counters, diet pills, weight loss supplements, SOBE, Quick Weight Loss Center, Keto, High protein, low carbs, low fat, high fat. ALL of it. I’ve exercised too. While I have had success on these different schemes, at the end of the day, I gain it all back because… I was tormenting myself in the name of vanity.
My friend suggested that I ask God for the willingness. I started doing that and am realizing that it’s NOT about the scale. This is about self love. It’s about self care. It’s about taking the actions that show you how much you love you.
Love isn’t a feeling, it’s a verb. I am really good at loving others. I’ll whip up a chicken pot pie and drop it on your doorstep in a heartbeat. I’ll send you some cash if you car is broken. But how good am I about demonstrating that same love for myself?
My leading edge is in diet. But it could be anything: Negative self talk, drinking too much, hanging out with people that belittle, insult you or worse. It could be a lack of boundaries, not getting enough sleep, working too hard, comparing yourself to your neighbor, packing your schedule so tight that you’re constantly on the go. Anything that steals your joy.
Just for today
I’m going to watch myself for signs that I’m being unloving or unkind to myself. When I realize that I would never treat a friend or a loved one the way I’m treating myself, I will try to be more kind and loving. I will be gentle with myself. I’ll ask myself what I need and then try to provide that.
My Creator, sometimes I’m so busy with life and work that I can’t see the forest through the trees. Help me to pause occasionally and take an internal inventory. Remind me that you have given me unlimited resources and that you’re here to help me all the time. Show me how you see me. Enable me to learn to love myself like you do.